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A very hard day…

Tomorrow is a special day for me in many ways, and a very hard day in many other ways.

Tomorrow is my birthday. Yay! Who doesn’t love birthdays right????!!! Arthur has a special day planned or special weekend, not really sure yet. I’m excited about that. Yet this morning, even now typing this, I find myself crying my eyes out over the one thing I want for my birthday and can never have.

My Grandpa Paul and I shared our birthday. He always joked that he was only a year older than me. I remember turning 20. He was drinking a beer, mocking me cuz he was 21 that year and I couldn’t have a beer yet. Yeah I remember being 20 with a 2 year old, married for a year, & legally unable to buy alcohol. Stupid! But he made me laugh so hard every year. When he turned 30 when I turned 29 he acted like he was mourning the loss of his youth. Every year he was sitting there smiling waiting for us to celebrate together.

20 years ago tomorrow I turned 18, he turned 19 and was bummed that he quit smoking years ago now that he was legal. I graduated from high school on our birthday. He was sitting there in a suit, looking so handsome, so proud, so happy, and I couldn’t wait to see him after. One of my favorite pictures is from that night. I can still remember his words. While most people partied after graduation, I went to spend some time with my Paulywog. I remember every minute.

He left us the day after Thanksgiving in 2006. Tomorrow will be my 5th birthday without him. 5. My lucky number, until now. Words cannot describe how much I miss this man. There are some people in life that when they leave this world time does not even come close to healing those wounds. So I sit here crying when it’s really been a great year, a great day, and the weekend will be amazing I’m sure. I can’t stop.

I woke up today, cried, drank my Shakeology, cried, did Insanity, cried…. See a pattern?

Maybe it’s more than just my Grandpa this year…Maybe it’s that 20 years ago thing…that you are 38 years old thing… that fear of losing my youth just as I’m finding my health & able to enjoy life. Maybe it’s everything. So far away from my family. So far away from everything I’ve ever known. So far away from 18, from Paul, from all of you…

It’s time to go shake this off. Time to put on that happy face & spend my last day of 37 acting like I’m 18 again.

Love, peace, & happiness…. 🙂